hates me and I hate it. I try and I try to get it to love me. I mean, I even tried to take it out to dinner once. Not really. But that would be rather interesting if I just showed up at a restaurant with a graphing calculator and my math book.

I have always done good in math, but PreCalculus just doesn't make any sense at all to me. Pretend that you are an alien and you know no english at all and don't know anything about the human culture. All of a sudden this human just walks up to you and says, "Good Morning! How is your day going?". You, as a poor little alien from some weird planet out in the universe that probably eats humans but you're a vegetarian, give that weird stare and try very hard to comprehend what this weird squishy thing is trying to say to you. That is how I feel about PreCal. Everything the teacher says goes through one ear and comes out of the other. Then when it's quiz time I have no idea what is going on. I barely passed my last two quizzes. I don't even want to mention my scores I'm so embarrassed.  I have the test that we're starting on Thursday through Friday. I am scared to death.

To top it off, I also have an AP history test tomorrow on our first 3 chapters, which I'm really hoping I'm not going to fail since I'm not good at history at all except for the fact that I get how to do all the work. Tests just hate me. Man I'm stressing so bad. I can't wait until this week is over so I can just be relaxed and not have anymore worries...until next Tuesday.

Heeeeee hooooooooo, long deep breathes.

Time to get back to math homework. Nervous already! I need some tea.

Tabs <3

Have you ever experienced one of those sunsets with just all of the colors of the rainbow involved in it? For example, there's the green from the trees, blue from, well, the sky, and all of these purple pink orange colors mixed in between to create a color that can't even be made into a crayon (which is really saying something, I think even cherry pie has been made into a crayon). I just experienced one of those sunsets. I mean, it was just amazing. It only lasted a couple of moments though since I was in a car and it just flashed by, but it still counts. Right? It's one of those things that you just want to freeze in that one moment, and just stare. Not even a picture can last longer, sad to say. It just envelops you in such a wave of happiness that you can barely contain it. If Crayola really did make a crayon in that color, I would smear it everywhere. And yes, in a weird obsessive sort of way.

Meltdown yesterday. Large. Massive. Teary. Blah. Sort or meltdown. Not sure if I should apologize. I might. Let me think about it.

No school on Monday. This is an amazing discovery. Apparently, everyone has known about it since the beginning of this month, but me of course. Why should I know about important things like this? Because I like to know the days that I can sleep in and be lazy. I actually plan my laziness. It takes time, effort, and large amounts of sleep. I plan it half asleep actually. My sleepness comforts me and my daily schedule. It works, okay? Please don't question my random thoughts of oddness because half of the time I don't know what I'm saying but to me, it makes sense. So it's alright that I understand my own insanity...right?

I apologize.

Paint the sky different colors, make it your own canvas. Dream as if no one is watching and dance as if your surrounded. Speak out your opinion, you never know when you might get another chance. Happiness and Loves. Joy and Sadness. We rule our own world on our own terms, just make sure those terms are written in ink instead of pencil. Pencil tends to smudge.

Tabs <3

felt like crying for absolutely no reason at all? Or just completely giving up after years and years of being strong? Do you ever think that maybe happiness is just a myth? That maybe it's something that we strive for, but don't really get to experience? It's as if right when it's in our reach, when our fingertips are barely able to brush it, it just slips away. Then everything just turns into complete darkness, and you don't know which way to turn or which way to look because you feel as if you have lost all the hope in this world. Everything is just completely shattered...that's how I feel right now.

You guys don't know my background, and I don't like to tell it to very many people. The over view is that my family is lost and very much broken. We don't have anything left to live for but the fact that God will help us through our problems and make everything better. We seem to be going deeper and deeper into this hole, we're trying to find ways to climb out, but the ledge always seems to be out of reach. It's upsetting and tragic to see the ones I love go through all of these problems, but all I can do is pray and hope for the best. I try so hard to be the optimistic one and reassure everyone that everything is going to be fine, that we'll make it. My optimism and my writing. That's all I've got. 

Sometimes though, I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and crying until I can't even move anymore. Just to let everything go and not be strong for once in my life. Tonight seems to be that night. If I let my guard down though, I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to get back up. And that's also a sign of weakness. I can't be weak, but I just really want to every once in a while. 

My second blog of the day. Man. How pathetic am I? I didn't know what else to do to keep my mind occupied. I don't know if anyone will read this, and if someone does, I'm not sure if they will care. But I will still be here, spilling my thoughts out on either paper or too the world. Somehow...paper always wins.

Good Night,
Tabs <3

are always wonderful. They just always give you that feeling of relaxation, as if the world just decides to slow down for this one day. Your neighbors are actually in a good mood, it always seems to be cool outside, everyone has a smile on their face. Yeah, that's the life. What's great about it, is that everyone can experience it (well if your a workaholic then that changes things, or have insomnia). Take my morning for example. I woke up to partly cloudy skies, little wet spots on the ground from where it rained which also leaked that wonderful smell in through my open window, and it was pretty cold outside but having that warm comfy feeling underneath the blankets. Doesn't that just sound wonderful? I wish all of you could have experienced that (and i mean in your own room, with your own partly cloudy skies and rain. I'm not sure I can share mine). 

Besides the wonderful Sunday morning, I have tons of homework to do that I decided to put off until today. Aren't I just fantastic? No, I'm not. That was a rhetorical question. However, if you did say that I was fantastic then that is gladly appreciated but I reject it. I am far from the amazing kind of fantastic. I am the kind of fantastic that you see working at a snack bar and getting your change completely wrong, you pointing it out to me, me feeling like a complete idiot and giving you your exact change, and then you complaining about how gross the food looks, but yet you still paid for it (which i actually did all of Friday night at our homecoming football game). I am far from the cool kind of fantastic. I do consider myself unique in my own way though, as everyone in this world is. So there is always an upside to not being awesome :). Well, awesome in the sense that your snack bar fantastic like me, but if your cool fantastic then that's just a whole different story. Cool fantastic people don't even pay attention to snack bar fantastic people like me. It's like we have some unknown disease that could kill them with just one touch or make them have boils. I find it very odd, since the fantastic people that screw up so much like me, tend to be some pretty interesting people if I do say so myself. Don't you agree (that is not a rhetorical question)?

I can hear my homework calling my name. Figuratively of course, not literally. That would be pretty scary. What form of torture should I commit to it? I can always have my dog eat it, but that's too obvious. What if I "accidently" dropped it in the shredder? Or had it eaten by sharks? I think I'm on to something here. Have a wonderful Sunday Morning!

Tabs <3
Sadly to say though from popular belief, I do not know how to surf, and most of the people here don't. Some people have never even been to the beach. I have been to Hollywood, but it's just a lot of palm trees and homeless people standing on corners. You get more sun burnt than tanned. Our guys and girls may have a pretty face, but once you get deep down you realize there aren't very many that you can trust. We have a former actor as our governor which isn't very promising, no matter how cool it may seem. No, we do not all shop at Hollister, we stay far away from it due to the bad smell coming from it and terrible lighting. Vintage, Vans, Converse, Sunglasses, and Flip Flops seem to describe our wardrobe. We don't wear them for looks, it's more of a comfort outlook. Earphones are in most of the time to drown out the sounds, not new potential friends though. You see more people at the thrift store than you do at most malls. Nights seem more slow paced, whereas the days we just want to get it over with. If we ignore you, we're busy thinking about what's ahead and how it's going to be dealt with so we apologize. We're pretty fast paced, but once you take the time to know us, we aren't as stuck up as some people make us. You just need to find the right people to trust. The big fancy restaurants are no where near as fantastic as the little taco trucks in your neighborhood construction zones. Yes, we do have palm trees everywhere. Where do they all come from? Sadly to say, most of us don't know. But they look nice. Don't make fun of us, and we most likely will not make fun of you. Teach us something new, even if we refuse at first. 

Oh and I want to be the first to say it...Welcome to California :)

Why am I ranting you may be asking yourself? Well I went to Washington a couple of years ago and was despised by everyone due to the fact that I am from California. I felt so incredibly upset that practically no one wanted to get to know me or even talk to me, since they had their own vision of someone from California. Rich, stuck up, and self absorbed. Do I really look like that? (I hope not, if I do then I'm terribly sorry and would like to inform you that I am not) Please don't judge someone from where they are from, and I'm not just speaking about people from California. I'm talking about anyone in general from anywhere. It makes the person feel really unwanted and unappreciated. Make them feel as if you have known them your whole lifetime, and would love for them to feel more at home. Trust me, it will all be worth it in the end. 

Exhaustion and homework are taking over my life once again, and I'm craving for the weekend to come as quickly as possible. "Oh it's a wonderful night for a moon dance, with the stars up above in your eyes. A fantabulous night to make romance, beneath the cover of October skies.." Van Morrison, you are amazing for that song.

Ciao and Sweet dreams,
Tabs <3

Possibly one of the greatest places in this whole entire world. Any beach is fine, as long it's a beach. Those of you who have been to one, know exactly what I am talking about. Those of you who haven't been to one, then I suggest you go to one as soon as you can before the summer is over. Or another option is buy a plane ticket to Hawaii if you want to see the mother of all beaches (my dream place to go, except not the tourist places. A more secluded place where there is absolutely no one, and only a few people know about it. oh my goodness). There is nothing better than a beach and a couple of friends, or just being by yourself with a wonderful book to read. Or in my case, a notebook and a pen.

The sunshine, partly cloudy skies, warm sand, cold ocean, crashing waves, salty air, yes that is the life. I'm smiling just thinking about it! I love those random pools of water that seem to be just a little bit further from the actual oceanside itself, and look like small lakes. Not every beach has them, but the one that I usually go to always does. It's so amazing, they look like shrunken oceans. I need to take a picture of one the next time I go (which I suspect is going to be very soon due to the amazing weather, thank you California!). I wish I could honestly take all of you with me, although we would all be sitting on top of each other in the car which I suspect would be very uncomfortable...unless someone wanted to strap themselves to the top of the car. Yes? Shall we do it? I think so.

Lots of homework to do which I seem to be procrastinating from at the moment. Eventually it will get itself done, whether it wants to or not. It always does. How you may ask? That is a very good question. However, not all questions have an answer. That's what makes them so joyful to come up with :)

So my dears, how is a raven like a writing desk?

Tabs <3

Probably one of the greatest words every created. A fortunate accident. Sounds like fate, right? It is, and it's always fantastic to go by fate. It makes life seem like such a surprise. Like getting a present on your doorstep everyday, except even better. Why don't we all just leave our lives to destiny? We always have to interfere with everything that is going on in our lives, that sometimes we don't have time to appreciate the surprises in life. Say a perfect stranger bumps into you somewhere and your to preoccupied with what your doing, that you just say sorry to them without even giving them a glance and just go on your way. What if they didn't just glance? What if they actually gave a smile and looked at you in a certain way that you haven't been looked at before? Or wanted to offer you a full apology, beside just the usual "sorry"? Let us allow fate to take it's course, just for once in our lives. Let's let go of our worries and thoughts that seem to take up so much space, and bump into that random stranger on purpose. Let's just try it, and see how it works out. When we try things without even thinking about them, somehow, someway, our lives just seem to be a little brighter. Don't you think? Actually never mind, don't think, just do.

Life is going to take us to a very magical place one of these days. Well it may not be Wonderland, and the mad hatter won't be there to greet us along with a smiling cat, but the real world comes pretty close to that. All we have to do is just open our eyes to what's in front of us. Soon you'll be seeing things that's you have never seen before. Some might be bad, but then there is always the good that comes right after it to mellow out the feelings and make it all better. Life is never fair to us, but it can be every once in a while if we let it.

I also discovered today that Jarrito's pineapple soda, is the best pineapple soda that I've ever tasted. That mango is also pretty good to, but of course, pineapple beats any soda out there (Dr. Pepper comes into a close second). 

I'll see you all in Wonderland ;)

Tabs <3

are a rather wonderful place to spend your time at. You can make memories there, and even revel in your own thoughts. Possibly even write a song, or meet a perfectly lovely stranger. Whatever your choice may be, there is always something for everyone. Unless of course you have no interest in parks or have never been to a park before, then I feel terribly sorry for you and suggest you go to one and head straight for the swing. They usually make everything better. Especially if you have someone with you, then that just makes it twice as fun (taking advantage of them by making them push you on the swing is always fantastic). They are even more wonderful at night. Laying out in the grass, staring at the stars until you have them imprinted on your eyes. After having stars imprinted in your eyes, you will never be the same again. I'm telling you, there is something magical about parks at night.

The above picture was taken at my favorite park, and what a wonderful day it was. Full of laughter and joy, not many people get to experience that anymore. When you go to a park, really take a look at someone. People don't look very happy anymore. They aren't really at the park to enjoy themselves anymore, but more like on "business". May it be for a child's party, or to do a couple laps around the parking lot in those extreme jogging suits people wear these days, they just don't seem happy. It makes you feel like walking up to one of these people, shake them severely and yell, "Wake up! Get a hold of yourself and trying breaking a smile every once in a while!" If someone did that to us, we would most likely punch them in there face and yell profuse language in there face while flailing our arms around trying to get our point across. But then, we would really think about what they said. We might even say to ourselves, did that crazy person really have a point? Crazy people do tend to be right most of the time. It's the people that make sense that you have to watch out for.

Insomnia strikes again, pineapple soda has come to accompany it, and procrastination is knocking at the door. Looks like a full house tonight.

Ciao and sweet dreams world,
Tabs <3

Such a very odd topic to talk about. They are easily broken, but yet very hard to put back together again. Everyone has there own way to deal with a broken heart. Girls tend to find comfort in highly fattening food, with an extremely sad movie while in pajamas, then after about three days of sulking, we finally come back to reality and realize that the guy really wasn't worth crying over. Such a very pointless and long process but it really works. Other people like to run or exercise, which does somewhat help since the soreness from working out usually helps take the other pain and thoughts away (I don't really agree with that one but hey, if it works then go for it). 

Some hearts tend to be larger than others, with lots of love and compassion. Others have very small hearts that tend not to care about others, and only themselves. The larger hearts seem to be taken more for granted, since they are afraid of hurting anyones feelings. Do you think that's fair? To take someone for granted that has done so much good in others lives? I think not, which is why it's such a shame to do so. Now the people with smaller hearts can't be taken for granted, simply because they just don't care. Even if you take them for granted....well...let's just say what goes around, comes around. Is that how you say it? Or is it the other way around. I always seem to forget and it drives me insane. Not that I'm not already insane (everyone is one way or another so you'll most likely have to cope with that someday), but just thoughts sometimes drive me insane. They get broken so easily and it isn't fair. Well, actually life isn't fair all together so let's just scratch out that statement then. 

Meltdown yesterday. Took it out on my blog. Sort of. Not doing too good here with the parental guardians and the brother (also known as my house, which has been a mess and tragedy since a while back), and things aren't doing doing fantastic. Hearts are definitely being broken here in a family way. As soon as the pieces start slowly coming back together, something happens and it's hard to come back to the real world. 

Tea, a book, and a helicopter hovering right above our house. What a joy. Why do they have to be so loud? Calgon, please take me away.

Tabs <3

suck but yet I still take them? Tell me why that is? Last year I had two, but now I've upgraded to 3. What a life I have. I haven't really found the time to blog, it's been a week. A very long, grueling, slow, week. And being back on has given me such a sense of comfort, it feels so amazing to be back again. 

School has been...interesting? I'm not sure that is the proper word i should use. Just a lot of news faces pushing past to get to there classes. Not even a care in the world upon anyone's face. I think everyone just wants to get through this year as painlessly as possible, even though some people may not put it like that, they know it's true. Well maybe it might only be true for me. Or people that are like me, which I doubt anyone is. Who in there right mind would have the stress of 3 AP classes for their senior year? I don't think anyone besides me and my friends who are just as crazy as I am. 

Other than school, time has passed by even slower. Stress has been climbing, and it's getting harder and harder to hold onto reality. Things are starting to pile on top of one another and it feels like I'm beginning to lose my optimistic state and am going into complete shut down mode. I don't know where up and down is. Where both ends meet, or even if they do meet. Whether or not I should give up or keep pushing and let the tears come down....somehow, someway, I will be strong. Whether if I completely fail and fall in the process. I will.

"Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhymes, out of the doubt that fills your mind, you finally find, you and I, collide.." Collide by Howie Day, my favorite song. Amazing lyrics. Can't stop listening to it. Have a lovely night darlings.

Tabs <3